What a year!!

A bit late but I've just been doing a bit of a look back at the things Ive done since I first walked up Fan Fawr last year.  There were quite a few moments of 2011 that I definitely want to forget about BUT hey - get this list!

• Ive climbed up, walked to or walked in -

• Fan Fawr
• Garreg Lwyd
• Cribarth
• Tair Carn Isaf & Uchaf
• Llyn y fan fach
• Llyn y fan fawr
• Whiteford Point
• Carreg Cennen
• Swgd yr Eira
• British Camp, Malverns
• Malham Cove 
• Mynydd Ichyd
• Elan Valley
• Corn Ddu
• Melin cwrt falls
• Rhosilli Down
• Henrhyd waterfall
• Some hill in Yorkshire - cant remember the name! 
• The mountain behind Dan Yr Ogof (Garreg Goch?)
• Pen y Fan - 5 TIMES!!!!!!! well 5 to the top (once on my own!) and another twice, once where we only got to the base of Corn Ddu and once when we only made it 3/4 way up.  The most recent ascent was on the anniversary of climbing Fan Fawr - and this time Becky made it all the way up to the top too.
• Ive been to North Wales and been at the base of the Pyg Track - too late in the day and with the wrong sort of weather to even consider climbing up.

• I took part in the Race for Life twice and the Memory walk once (Thank you all you wonderful people who sponsored me for the three events)

• I been out on the bike I bought - cycling in the Afan Valley and on the Millennium Coastal Path. 

• I had my first ever motorbike lesson!

• I had an amazing rally driving experience.

• Ive had an ice skating lesson. 

•  Visited the Eden Project

• Seen the summer solstice sun come up over Pentre Ifan in Pembrokeshire and sat on Pen Y Fan watching the sun go down over Fan Fawr.

• I had a go at abseiling - but chickened out at the last moment (and scarily the pack to have a go this year arrived today - eeeek) 

• Visited Oxford for the first time and climbed up the Carfax Tower!  

Now if you look at each thing on its own ... well there isn't anything outstanding there really.

But put them all together ...... the last 13 months have been fairly amazing.

Ive walked further than I ever dared imagine, I've pushed myself to do things that I'd always wanted to but never felt I could, I've beaten my fears on some things and not on others and I've fought personal and work battles and won!

And that's the biggest thing I suppose -

I won!

Another one bites the dust (well ice)

I ticked off another thing on my list this evening.  Myself and a group of friends had an ice skating lesson. 

I did find my balance, well in part, and our two instructors were amazing.  Id managed to badly bruise my finger grabbing the side of the rail at the start but my Pièce de résistance was typical of that 'pride comes before a fall' scenario. All we were doing was moving from one side of the rink to the other towards the end of the lesson, when I had my best Bambi moment of the whole evening.  There was nothing to be done, nothing there to save myself and seconds later I was flat out on the ice, having whacked my elbow and smacked my head good and proper! So I ended my first lesson in the first aid room, stretched out on a bench, feet raised, ever so slightly dazed.

Then I had the embarrassing joy of completing an accident form - I dont do ANYTHING by halves!

I was told not to drive, so my friend drove for me, I was told not sleep, so I'm still awake, I'm bruised and my head hurts like hell but Ive never laughed so much in my life even though that, in addition to my wonderful dying swan routine, I did several impressions of Bambi during the hour long lesson. In fact it was my laughing that was literally my downfall - when I laugh I put my head back - flippin lethal on the ice.

But damn it was fun.  Thanks girls, for your company, support and a fantastic evening xxx

Sticks and Stones

'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me' Right? ....................... Wrong!!

I found out yesterday, to my surprise, that someone in from my past used to refer to me in a rather derogatory way.  I'm not going to divulge how, but I was shocked to be told.  Shocked to the core in fact.  My heart sank when I realised that someone who I had admired, someone much older who quite frankly should have known better, held me in such low esteem.  I thought that I was like by this person, in fact I was actually told that.

So why? Why would they do that, why would they think it was okay and for gods sake why does this upset me so much? 

I suppose it is because I DID admire this person, because I DID think that I was liked, respected, that they were even fond of me, but I suppose mostly because we all like to be liked.

It made what had been mostly a good day for me, a totally, utterly miserable one and I feel ridiculously sad.

Another Ending

Well I cant believe that its the end of another month - in fact, probably by the time I post this - Novemember will have started.  I also cant believe thats its been ages since I actually posted whats truly in my head and my heart. In fact, if I actually hit send, it will be the first time in months that I will have been brave enough to. There are times though, when only writing it down will do.

Its now 8 months since I first ventured out on Fan Fawr and not quite 8 months since I first climbed Pen Y Fan.  There have been many, many changes in my life since then, in fact I can barely credit the roller coaster I've been on this year, the dips of which came close to destroying me.

A friend recently posted this on Facebook. 

'Every once in a while we all need to get out, to give ourselves up to a favourite wild landscape, to explore and experience and to wonder. We should do this in every season and all weathers, by day and by night. We should touch and smell and listen. We should absorb moonlight on water, feel the wind in our hair, and discover the other creatures with which we share the world. We should be forcing ourselves to reconnect with wild nature and our origins. We need to do this before it's too late.'

Dr Jeff Watson, scientist and conservationist, 1952-2007

And it struck me that, somewhere this year, I lost myself, lost my way in my 'quest' to do exactly what Dr Jeff suggested, demanded even.  That I've not forced myself out to reconnect nearly as much as I planned to do.  - oh there have been reasons, some of them good, valid, justified, but then cant we always find ways to stagnate, procrasinate and to avoid even that which we know will do us good. 

Somewhere amongst all the good things, the positve and the fun things I was trying to do for myself, something went wrong and the stagnation became so putrid that I risked filling my future with poison.  It would have meant that I wouldnt need to worry about being judged by others, about fighting my corner, as I was already in the corner, on my own, battling my own shadow.  Its a very lonely place to be.

Without a doubt a huge melting pot of circumstances (sadly we all have them, those pesky circumstances, though on times its a bit like having chicken pox; ugly and often painful, with spots you cant scratch for fear of lifelong scarring) played their role in me ending up in that corner, but in the end that shadow was more like a blurred reflection, one of those ones in a hall of mirrors that make you look skinny, fat or with a destorted head. Its hard to fight, reason with, or understand that sort of image staring back at you, but its not impossible, and fight I did, tooth and nail.  Thats not to say I did it alone, I asked a close friend for help and she led the way.  Then I asked two other friends for support and they were amazing.  They always were very special and strong women, but their determination to help bowled me over.  It did then and still does now.  Then I told a group of friends that things were bad and this wave of affection, love and support came rushing back.  I didnt feel that I deserved any of it, I think that was one of the main problems.
 
Then this evening I found myself browsing through some old emails. They were from way back when this blog started right up to just recently and I was a bit stunned to see how many had mentioned my walking, mentioned me achieving, how, even now, I was still receiving encouragement and support.  Im sad to say that much of it had obviously escaped me at the time of reading. It isnt that I didnt appreciate it, its I just didnt 'see' it.

But things are better, things have changed, actually many things have changed, in fact I think I've changed.  Not sure if the change in me is for the better, im still working on that one, fine tuning who I am and most importantly who and where I want to be, but im happy to be a work in progress as long as the changed me is an improved version.  I dont want to lose who I know I am deep down, but would like that person to be on the surface too, not a version that circumstances created, not a fraud, but the real me. The real confident, happy, loving and peaceful me.

So im guessing that not only has another month ended, but quite a few other things have ended too.  Most importantly I'm hoping that the sadness has ended, that the shadow is now a friend and not an enemy and that im back on that path that I started 8 months ago.  

Welcome to Wales / Croeso y Gymru

Ive been trying all evening to think how to start this, but in the end it just has to be at the beginning.

Just a little over 32 years ago I had my first visit to Wales.  It was just meant to be me meeting my, soon to be, new family. 

My mum and step dad were to be married, back in Edinburgh, on Thursday 30th August 1979 so on the Friday before my mum's two friends drove me to Wales, to Briton Ferry, for me to be introduced to the Ward clan.  We arrived early evening and my first introduction was to 18 year old Philip, who was to become my step brother.  'Hi, im Phil, want to come to the rugby club?'  First of all I was a bit taken aback, in my innocence I didnt really know what to expect from a rugby club (didnt take long to change that though LOL), and since I was only 15, I didnt really think I was allowed !! I felt a bit awful saying no thank you, but at least I could say that I was really tired after the journey and anyway Morris (my soon to be step dad) said we were all going out the following  night - to the Con Club (another new intro to me - Id never heard of a con club, or a workies or Lib club at that point - that too changed).

So the following night we all went up the hill to the Briton Ferry Constitutional Club.  Saturday night was the night where there was music upstairs in the function room, and also where I was to be introduced to the voices of quite a few of the Ward clan, the singing voices I mean, and it was pretty damn incredible as well. Before we went out I realised that there was a programme on tv that I wanted to see, it was the last episode ever as well and I had said that I really wanted to go back to the house to see it later on.  I was persuaded by Phil not to go and to be honest it didnt take much as I was really enjoying the evening, enjoying meeting new people and was thoroughly wrapped up in the welcome that I was receiving into a family that knew hardly anything about me.


It could only have been about half an hour later when everything was gturned upside down.  Morris had the microphone and was singing away, his brother Hwyel suddenly appeared and ran across the dance floor, grabbed the mic from Morris's hand and frantically started telling him something. In the rush the mic was dropped onto the floor - my god that makes a terrible sound.  All of a sudden everyone was running, I was sitting in a corner of the room and was completely lost as to what was happening.  I picked up my coat, Phils jumper, my bag and I ran too.  I heard someone say 'fire' and my heart was in my mouth, 'My god' I thought 'My god the club is on fire'.  I ran down the stairs along with everyone else.  The club was emptying at such a speed.  I was looking frantically for my mum, for Phil, for anyone that I had been introduced to as family.  At the bottom of the stairs Phil suddenly appeared, looking as frantic as I felt.  I grabbed his arm and asked what was going on.  'My house is on fire! he said.  He was shaking and then he turned and ran too.  I felt someone grab my elbow, it was my mums friend.  'Come on, quick' she said, and we ran to the car.  I dont know why to this day that we took the car.  Maybe because we didnt know the area but it may have made more sense to run with everyone else but 2 minutes later we were standing outside the house, the fire brigade busy with hoses, foam everywhere. On the way down the hill we had passed people running, running on the road, disappearing down the lanes, short cutting to the house, to the place where everyone knew the Morris and Phil lived.  Now they were all in the street too and finally the fire was out. 


What happened next is really the reason for this long post.


The Brigade of course wouldnt allow us access to the house.  So now what did we do? Nowhere to stay, no clothes, nothing.  Suddenly all these voices started offering help. First was Morris's sister who lived in the same street, 'Come on, lets have a cuppa, sit down and make a plan' then people saying 'Morris, you and Cath stay with us' 'Phil, you and Fiona can stay in our house. Dont worry Fiona, we'll do introductions later' 'We'll be down tomorrow to start the clean up if we are allowed in' 'Morris, what about your suit for the wedding?  Cath what about your outfit?'  Offer after offer after offer of help, support and sympathy.




As we left one house to move to another house to stay I realised that my feet were soaking wet, that I was freezing cold, despite it being August, and I was shaking.  Then it hit me, if I had gone back to the house to watch that tv programme, I would have been in the house when the fire really took hold.  Now as Ive said before, I am the type of person who deals with things at the time and then, later, when everyone else is relaxed, fine and over it, thats when I go to jelly, to pieces and end up in a heap with people thinking ive lost the plot.  'Phil, I would have been in the house!' I struggled to get the words out but he nodded and said 'I know' I think that was the point when his friend could see how much I was shaking and lifted me up and carried me to where we were staying that night.


Jump forward this evening.  Peter and I went out to so some shopping, on the way back we went through Pontardawe and past the makeshft memorial to those poor guys lost in the mine last week.  I dont know why it took me till today to remember the events of 1979 but it just struck me that despite my first visit to Wales being a traumatic and dramatic event, it was also my first introduction to how community minded, how generous and how incredible the people here can be.  Jump back to last week, to that dreadful announcement of the mine collapsing and those four poor miners trapped, and as we now know, lost. How the whole world watched as the emergency services, mines rescue, divers, cavers etc etc fought to try to save those men, how local businesses, neighbours and friends and strangers, rallied to help, support and sympathise.  Sound familiar?  Okay so our fire actually does pale against this event, but what doesnt pale is the strength of character of the people of Wales, their ability to rally, link arms and show a united front the second its needed.

So we went and got a candle, and we took it back to that makeshift memorial and lit it.

I was told once that I would never be happy until I went back to Scotland! How very wrong that person was.  Im so glad that I moved here, not glad that there are families suffering loss just now, but very grateful to be living in a community, a country, that when faced with a crisis, large or small, stands up and makes what they do count.

Da iawn Cymru!

Memory Walk

As you can see there is a nice little addition to my page - its my sponsorship link for this Sundays Memory Walk - would love it if you would sponsor Pete and I to raise money for this brilliant charity.

Get on Free

There hasnt been many posts lately, not because I havent been doing anything but because ive simply not been in the right frame of mind to post but Ive been prodded to add this. 

About a month ago I finally, FINALLY, managed to achieve another long, long held ambition.

Thanks to a scheme called Get on Free I’ve actually now had a go on a bike - not a moped (well, if I’m honest I had a go on one of those first) but a motorbike (automatic I admit - but hey you have to start somewhere). I have to say a huge thank you to Richard for his patience (especially when I couldn’t get the damn thing of the stand - such a weakling).  He told me that if he saw the whites of my eyes then he'd know I was too scared. In fact the only thing I had been scared about was that it would get cancelled as the weather just a short while earlier had been horrendous with heavy rain, dark skies and a bit more of a breeze getting up. As I got more confident and I was riding around the 'course' Richard just left me too it (keeping a watchful eye of course) but out of the corner of my eye I could see him talking to my husband and shaking his head.  I have to admit that my heart sank a little, obviously he thought that I wasn’t doing that well.  At the end of the session he called me over and we talked about the geared bike.  I really wasn’t ready to have a go on that (yet).  I was still feeling a bit like I hadn’t done that well when he said that I’d done really well and explaining what I could do next.  Once I got over the shock and we were leaving, I asked Peter what he had said when he was shaking his head.  He started laughing and said 'He said 'Well - no whites of the eyes and she's smiling! Sorry mate! she's going to cost you a lot of money!''

Well no, not at the moment, for now im glad to just have had a go, I'm not ruling out having one but for the minute lets just say that there's one more thing ticked off my list.


Get On Free