Another Ending

Well I cant believe that its the end of another month - in fact, probably by the time I post this - Novemember will have started.  I also cant believe thats its been ages since I actually posted whats truly in my head and my heart. In fact, if I actually hit send, it will be the first time in months that I will have been brave enough to. There are times though, when only writing it down will do.

Its now 8 months since I first ventured out on Fan Fawr and not quite 8 months since I first climbed Pen Y Fan.  There have been many, many changes in my life since then, in fact I can barely credit the roller coaster I've been on this year, the dips of which came close to destroying me.

A friend recently posted this on Facebook. 

'Every once in a while we all need to get out, to give ourselves up to a favourite wild landscape, to explore and experience and to wonder. We should do this in every season and all weathers, by day and by night. We should touch and smell and listen. We should absorb moonlight on water, feel the wind in our hair, and discover the other creatures with which we share the world. We should be forcing ourselves to reconnect with wild nature and our origins. We need to do this before it's too late.'

Dr Jeff Watson, scientist and conservationist, 1952-2007

And it struck me that, somewhere this year, I lost myself, lost my way in my 'quest' to do exactly what Dr Jeff suggested, demanded even.  That I've not forced myself out to reconnect nearly as much as I planned to do.  - oh there have been reasons, some of them good, valid, justified, but then cant we always find ways to stagnate, procrasinate and to avoid even that which we know will do us good. 

Somewhere amongst all the good things, the positve and the fun things I was trying to do for myself, something went wrong and the stagnation became so putrid that I risked filling my future with poison.  It would have meant that I wouldnt need to worry about being judged by others, about fighting my corner, as I was already in the corner, on my own, battling my own shadow.  Its a very lonely place to be.

Without a doubt a huge melting pot of circumstances (sadly we all have them, those pesky circumstances, though on times its a bit like having chicken pox; ugly and often painful, with spots you cant scratch for fear of lifelong scarring) played their role in me ending up in that corner, but in the end that shadow was more like a blurred reflection, one of those ones in a hall of mirrors that make you look skinny, fat or with a destorted head. Its hard to fight, reason with, or understand that sort of image staring back at you, but its not impossible, and fight I did, tooth and nail.  Thats not to say I did it alone, I asked a close friend for help and she led the way.  Then I asked two other friends for support and they were amazing.  They always were very special and strong women, but their determination to help bowled me over.  It did then and still does now.  Then I told a group of friends that things were bad and this wave of affection, love and support came rushing back.  I didnt feel that I deserved any of it, I think that was one of the main problems.
 
Then this evening I found myself browsing through some old emails. They were from way back when this blog started right up to just recently and I was a bit stunned to see how many had mentioned my walking, mentioned me achieving, how, even now, I was still receiving encouragement and support.  Im sad to say that much of it had obviously escaped me at the time of reading. It isnt that I didnt appreciate it, its I just didnt 'see' it.

But things are better, things have changed, actually many things have changed, in fact I think I've changed.  Not sure if the change in me is for the better, im still working on that one, fine tuning who I am and most importantly who and where I want to be, but im happy to be a work in progress as long as the changed me is an improved version.  I dont want to lose who I know I am deep down, but would like that person to be on the surface too, not a version that circumstances created, not a fraud, but the real me. The real confident, happy, loving and peaceful me.

So im guessing that not only has another month ended, but quite a few other things have ended too.  Most importantly I'm hoping that the sadness has ended, that the shadow is now a friend and not an enemy and that im back on that path that I started 8 months ago.