Like I said, I had those silly, girly dreams, but I never thought that the day would come when I would hardly be able to put one foot in front of the other, never imagined that I would end up being so restricted in my movements, in so much pain, so sad and so fearful!
It sounds like I had some terrible accident - I didnt - I simply developed, at a very, very young age, Osteoarthritis!
Still some of my dreams sort of came true!
- I started to earn money and was able to afford some of those outfits I wanted so badly.
- I took part in shows, as a playing member of a musical theatre company.
- I got married (but it wasnt to Paul but Peter)
- I dont have a ranch with wolves howling but a house where we often hear the foxes barking
But ... I never learned to fly, my fear of heights became more extreme, I developed a fear of life which became as intense as the pain Osteoarthritis brings and I buried all other dreams, all other thoughts of long walks, challenges, clambering over walls, fences, or of ever again running up that hill! Some 'friends' and collegues drifted away, some practically ran, others stayed, understood and gave me love and support.
As I was so young they (the doctors) simply refused to do anything! I wasnt ill in the true sense, I was 'limited'. That was the word given to me by the consultant. I had to live my life in a more 'limited' way. How far I walked, what exercise I did (hurdling wasnt an option anymore), everything in my life had to be 'limited'!
So I limited everything!
I closed myself down, built walls and hid! At my worst points I walked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! I became someone who felt I was only able to contribute in work, because once at my desk there were things I could do. I developed a catch phrase 'Live with it!' which I used as much for myself as I did to others. If anyone asked about me I would just say 'I live with it!'
I spent almost 10 years with broken dreams.!
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