Mountains

It isnt the mountains ahead that wear you out!
Its the grain of sand in your shoe. 

A few of the guys in work are particularly keen on walking.  Walking in the Brecon Beacons/Black Mountains to be exact! Just talking to them brought back memories of walking in the Pentlands.  The incredible feeling of freedom when you stand at the top of a hill, when the elements take your breath away, and so does the view, the memories of those things became too much to bear.  I needed to do this again, I needed to get out there and get my life back.  

Now you may know (or not) that the highest peak in this area is Pen Y Fan! INot as tall as Cadair Idris or Snowdon but high enough!  I really wanted to stand on the top of that, but its a fairly steep climb and I knew that it wasnt going to be easy.  Still it had to be my goal, I had to set myself a challenging target, but I had to start a little smaller.

So one day at the end of January, and after much discussion (hmmm or was that heated debate), I persuaded Peter that we should take a walk from the Storey Arms up Fan Fawr (I didnt know what it was called when we went, but it had been suggested as something to try first).  So off we set with our oldest daughter! We did go prepared, good walking shoes (which I had bought since it made walking easier when I was 'limited'), layers, decent jackets, hats, gloves etc as well as something to eat and drink.  I had another friend's comments resonating through my head.

' Consider any personal emergency to be your own fault for not reading your situation properly and be ashamed of yourself for endangering anyone who may be needed to come to your aid!!'

Spot on of course and I wasnt about to risk myself or anyone else whilst I was getting my life back!  

I was delighted how far we climbed and how quickly.  Peter asked me on numerous occassions if I was okay.  I was! Was I ready to go back down! Hell no! About half way up we stopped for a rest.  Looking back over towards Storey Arms I could see Corn Du, Pen y Fan was behind it.  I decided at that point that I would definitely reach my target before the end of June 2011! 

In the end I climbed all but the very last part of Fan Fawr, the end bit was a bit too steep and was almost rock climbing rather than walking - maybe not this time! 

Peter and Sarah did climb that last part whilst I sat, gazing back at Corn Du and totally knocked out at what I had achieved. Just a little lower than the rock climbing bit there is a rock overhanging the edge! With help and shaking like a leaf, I stepped out on to it and Peter took a picture! One step closer to challenging that fear of heights too! Well that fear of being on the edge of something! He also took one on my phone so then I sent loads of texts! 'Look at me, guess where I am, guess what I have done!' Text after text came back saying 'Wow, well done, thats incredible, is that really you?' All my good friends shared my sheer delight and amazement! 

As I waited for Peter and Sarah to return I plotted a few more things and soaked in the surroundings.  My dreams had never broken, just been hidden, buried in the sadness and pain! They were all there again now, it felt like they were tangible again, as if I could scoop them all up in my arms and hug them.  

The world had finally stopped long enough for me to get back on, to take part and to live! 

Mountain 2

Three weeks later, and after a week of working longer hours, I decided that maybe it was time to just try out walking up Pen y Fan, part of the way.  Just to go and see how difficult it would be.

So on the Saturday morning, Peter and I headed to the Pont ar Daf car park.  As we came over the top from Penderyn, we could see that there was low lying mist but that the mountains above were clear.   

We parked at about 11.45 am.  Pulled all the stuff out of the car and got as far as the food van! 'Lets have a coffee' I said, 'I need a coffee'  In realilty it was just delaying tactics.  My heart was screaming 'Do it!', my brain was yelling back just as loudly 'Lets just think about this'.  

Exactly like the first time I flew - I was on my own, going to visit my dad, who had had a heart attack.  As I walked out to the plane, my brain was screaming 'For gods sake go back!!!' but my heart and my legs won the arguement and I got on the plane.  I hated it! But I think I hated more than anything, that I was doing it all alone! Flying is okay now though, but not something I do very often!

In truth I couldnt drink the coffee and Peter finished it for me.  'Right, lets go!' Im not sure who said it?  Was it me or him? But it was said im sure.

We walked through the trees and through the kissing gate, down the slope to the bridge and then started the climb.  It was a little after 12 noon.  It was still slightly misty but that had moved up the mountain a bit and the lower area was clearing.  We set off at quite a pace but that didnt last, who was I kidding? We walked for 10 minutes and already I was doubting that I could even get part of the way up.  We stopped for a few seconds, a few photos and a few deep breathes and away we went again.


I stopped lots in the next 45 minutes, and when we hit the hour mark something in me just died and I turned round saying 'I cant, I cant do anymore, lets go down!' 'No problem' said Peter and he followed me, as I was already rushing back.  Then something odd happened, something that I havent felt in such a long time, a rush of determination, along with annoyance at myself for giving in so easily, and I turned around quickly and started back up the slope! Laughing, Peter followed.  He was taking all of this so easily in his stride, I dont think he was even breathing deeply! 


The walk didnt get any easier and a bit further on we stopped for about 15 minutes to have something to eat, which was a mistake because I felt awful then when we set off again.  We hit a really steep bit and doubt crept back in.  Then I hit on an idea, bit mad, probably a bit unsafe (back to those personal emergencies), but I took of my glasses, hung them on my top and just walked for a while just watching Pete's heels.  It did the trick!


We kept moving and then the mist really cleared higher and we could see lots of people standing around above us. I realised then that that must be where the path splits, one way to Corn Du or the bottom path over to Pen y Fan! - One final push and I would be at that point! I felt quite emotional at this point.  This was no mean feat for a woman with metal hips! 


We stopped where the path split and took pictures.  Pen y Fan was my goal so I started along the bottom path whilst Peter climbed Corn Du.  Half way along the path I looked up and couldnt see the top or him! Minutes later though we were back together where the path rejoined and moments away from that last, short, climb up onto Pen Y Fan! I did stop for a second at the bottom of the last bit.  I couldnt quite believe I was there! If it was a dream, I didnt want to wake up, not just yet!

So we climbed the last bit! People were coming down, all saying hello as they passed, in fact for the whole of the climb people had smiled and said hi! 


As I got to the top and walked across to the marker my legs were shaking, like jelly, not just because of the walk but because I had done it! I had done it! I had achieved my goal, months earlier than I had planned. I filled up, but first priority was pictures! I had to prove I had done it! I had to put all those doubters firmly behind me, all those that looked down on me, who judged me, who walked away.  They had to be in the past!


Then came the tears! 


Then I sent the texts!Then I posted it on Facebook! Lots of you wonderful people said well done, congraulations, you are a star! Thank you so much, it means so much.

Three of you told me you were proud of me! Thank you even more, that means the world!


(By the way ... the post of FB said this:   
Okay so heres a formula for you - dont worry you dont have to be good at maths -
Pain = fear and anger! Take my word for it.
Here's another -
Fear and anger = intolerance from some and support, care and love from others. (Stay with me)

...So today was only about me getting my life back, achieving something that I thought would take me till the summer to do, but also about sticking my fingers up to all of those who treated me with intolerance, because of the pain I was suffering, who regarded me as lazy, idle, uncooperative, boring, a spoilsport; to those who looked me up and down in pity or disgust,as the pain led to restictions in movement, which led to physical changes in me (that I hated), those people who tutted, frowned or pulled faces when I said, 'Sorry im just not able to do that' I let you affect how I viewed myself - but guess, what - you dont matter anymore!

To those wonderful people who gave me love, care and support - you are amazing. To those of you who told me I could do this, who gave me advice on how to do it safeyl - thank you from the bottom my heart!)